WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
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I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
How wrong was this guy?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back