Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Anarchy

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Clients after you give them your rates

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.