*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Printer ink is expensive
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them