One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
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[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.