Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

*puts cutlery down*

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

I already tried new things thanks.

Make me look younger

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried