This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
is this a warning or an offer?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.