Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

#dalle2

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

This was my dad’s browser history.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’