Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

So that’s what we looked like?

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.