Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔