writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Good lord
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.