Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he