Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
You Might Also Like
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Don’t snitch tag.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
she has a point
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.