Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.