*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
The news
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.