Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
You Might Also Like
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]