Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

I think the cat got the dog high.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

JUMP

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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.