Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.