Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.