Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
This came to me in a dream.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure