I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
No regrets in 2018
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser