At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
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I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I can’t deal with men any longer
Feels like the fourth month in January
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”