True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed