the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.