the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
You Might Also Like
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
what does he know…
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name