Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??