Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

2022 be like

Alexa turn off the planet

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body