Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.