At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
we all know this pain all too well
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
🥴😂
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.