Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.