Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

c’mon!

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Lucky for them, they’re cute

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Already got one

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.