Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.