Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”