Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
This story is comedy gold 😂
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Howl 😭
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
