My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism