The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I didn’t come here to be called names
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My last name is Zilla.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !