I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*frowns in Scottish*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.