The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Boom, boom, ching!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on