Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buck naked

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.