people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
There’s never enough good news
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me