I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
necessity is the mother of invention
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.