Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”