I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
it is time once again
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.