Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.