Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.