friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐