Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Birds & Planes.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

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HEYYYY MACARENA

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care