RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Grandpa
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.