Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
(Electricians.)
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
💻🤡
