“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
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My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Leonardo DiCaprisun
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I am HOWLING at this
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.