familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I love you…
…r dog.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….