Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

You can’t rush stupid.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.