On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
😭😭
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
