Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing